Mr Creepy Fondles The Soap

 


Mr. Creepy, the only movie extra in “Volcano” to be attacked by all the other extras (including one attempt on his life by an extra driving a movie police car) has been diligently (albeit unconsciously) working on losing me my ‘preferred customer’ discount at The Patio Inn crack motel. Continue reading

Creepacisms 7 : Creepy Blacks Out

Apparently all the hoohaw about the California energy crisis has seeped into Creepy’s consciousness.

Early this morning I was at my laptop playing SimCity. The ceiling fan was whirling, the ceiling fan light was on, the floor fan was on high, my 4-foot tall ionic air cleaner was making its loud white noise and the refrigerator was humming away.

Lotsa sound and light.

Creepy comes running out of his bedroom wearing nothing but his bikini briefs, panties, whatever. I knew it was an emergency because we’ve already talked about him not leaving his room wearing only his dayglo panties.

He comes running out of his room, arms waving, eyes wide with fear and panic, runs behind me to the motel tv set and begins punching at the power-on button, except he’s so panicked that he’s hitting the volume button.

“We’re in a BLACKOUT, James,” he practically screams with hysteria. Continue reading

Creepacisms 9: Uncle Teddy Died Rather Frequently

My crack motel roommate Creepy, a 54 year-old homeless movie extra I saved from the street, says some funny shit. He doesn’t mean to, but it comes out funny. So I send out some of the things he has said to me as “Creepacisms”. Here is one of them:

“Did I ever tell you about seeing my dead uncle Teddy in front of his house, James?” Creepy said as he popped out of his door. Continue reading

Trying To Think In Russian About My Own Runaway Train

by Jolie Blond
02/09/02

Watching Andrew Tarchovski's art film,
a dark film,
in Russian, with English subtitles,
a film that looks like there was no money in the budget
for a light man,
a film about gray people standing around in the dark
talking about the virtues of grief
and the hopelessness of hope . . .
good grief, this movie is not film noir;
it's life noir.

Good grief.
This dark, hopeless Russian movie
makes my worst day of American homelessness
(the day in the stolen port-o-john,
the day of the attack of the property owners)
look in comparison
like a day at Disnetland high on X.

Can't figure out what the Russian fascination
with maudelin grief is all about,
of course, because I am an American,
a man of action, any action . . .
any action is better than standing around
yakking about grief,
an American:
I've got the optimism
of Jon Voight's 'Manny'
in "Runaway Train", who said,
"You do what you have to do,
I'll do what I have to do.
Whatever happens, happens."

You tell 'em, Manny,
tell those grieving, philosophizing Russians
how we do it in America,
with or without subtitles.

Tush Bait I Have Known


The following is a call girl internet ad a friend brought to my attention. It’s not a typical ad in that it’s a bit long-winded. Very long-winded. Most call girls just want a sentence that included the words “exotic”, “generous gentlemen” and “discrete” in them. My friend thinks this girl may have just copied the personality traits section of an astrology book on her own sign to appear more intelligent. Men pay more for the APPEARANCE of intelligence.

Back when I drove The Russian to her call girl appointments, she used to have me edit the internet ads for her escort services that her fiancee had helped her write. The Russian was a ‘generous gentlemen’ kind of huckster.

A stunning, exotic and very erotic beauty of French and Italian descent. Meticulously polished from head to toe. A small framed, well defined, bronzed centerfold body. Size 2. 34D-24-34. 115lbs. Big mysterious brown eyes. Long silky dark brown hair, pouty full lips and a white smile that is sure to brighten your day. Gabrielle is seductive and elegant, articulate and sexy and very sophisticated. This rare gem has savior-faire. She will fascinate you on all levels! Wonderfully predictable yet unpredictably wonderful. Gabrielle expects uncompromising quality in all areas of her life. She is NOT affiliated with any agency, nor does she provide any illegal services. Gabrielle is a very selective lady who possesses world class. Offering personalized companionship EXCLUSIVELY to a VERY SELECT FEW EXTREMELY GENEROUS GENTLEMEN who appreciate unparalleled quality in all areas of their lives.

As a man who has had at the least a fiduciary relationship with over 100 call girls, let me decode some of this for you:

A stunning, exotic and very erotic beauty of French and Italian descent.
A mutt of unknown extractions. I drove a Jewish call girl once on a night when the escort agency she worked for was short-handed. On her first call to a john on Greenfield Street, she told the guy she was Jewish. After that call we went on another call to Santa Monica, then the escort agency madam told us that my call girl needed to go back to the guy on Greenfield, but this time as an Hispanic. The guy was drunk enough to believe she was Jewish/Hispanic. After that we went to a call in Beverly Hills. Then we get a call to go back to the guy on greenfield, this time as an Asian (the guy was binging, apparently). So she goes back and tells the guy she’s half Filapino, too. Strangely enough, the call wasn’t cancelled like I’d thought it would be. Moral of the story: Horny guys are extremely gullible.

Meticulously polished from head to toe.
Willing to go that extra mile that other girls won’t go by taking a shower, or at least a sponge bath, between customers.

A small framed, well defined, bronzed centerfold body.
Skinny. Emaciated by coke, crack, glass or ice. You can see why a cracked glass of iced coke might send me into gypsy cabbie flashbacks.

34D-24-34
Haven’t saved up enough money for the boob job yet.

Big mysterious brown eyes.
Will arrive at your door high.

Long silky dark brown hair, pouty full lips and a white smile that is sure to brighten your day.
Brushes her teeth, too.

Gabrielle is seductive and elegant, articulate and sexy and very sophisticated.
At age 28, just got her G.E.D. and has been taken out to some nice restaurants. The girls I drove always wanted the richer clients to take them out to a fancy restaurant so they could add “sophisticated” to their resumes.

She will fascinate you on all levels!
Once she gets in your house and starts ooooohing and aaaaahing over your fake impressionist prints and fawning over your big screen tv and indoor plumbing, you’ll wonder what the hell you’ve let yourself in for.

Gabrielle expects uncompromising quality in all areas of her life.
She wants her money up front. All of it, buster.

She is NOT affiliated with any agency, nor does she provide any illegal services.
She works for an agency, her driver is just on the other side of the door listening for trouble and she’ll do you for a $200 tip (half do you for $100 extra).

Gabrielle is a very selective lady who possesses world class.
She won’t do very extremely ugly men with warts and skin lessions and can spot a cop a mile away.

Offering personalized companionship EXCLUSIVELY to a VERY SELECT FEW EXTREMELY GENEROUS GENTLEMEN who appreciate unparalleled quality in all areas of their lives.
Serving rich losers everywhere . . . sort of a ‘Have Gun, Will Travel’ mentality.

Where Will All The Vietnamese Cat Killers And Orange-Headed Crackheads Go?

by Jolie Blond
02/18/02

Construction workers arrived at the
vacant Voodoo Lot
next door to my crack motel
early this morning
to rebuild the emaciated chain link fence
that never succeeded
in keeping anyone out
or anything in.

Kimmee, the Arco manager,
tells me that the lot’s owner
(same guy who owns the adjoining Arco gas station)
has rented the lot out
to some construction company
that wants to park some tractors and equipment there.

Where will all the Vietnamese voodoohead
cat sacrificers and crackheads go
now that their habitat has gone the way of
the Spotted Owl and the Stripe-backed Frog?
How will the gods of Uru, Shasta
and that orange-haired crack dealer
be appeased?

Oh, I sense trouble
when they start parking
vehicles of industry
over the carcasses of crack pipes
and cats.

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